Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
