Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
