How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
