She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
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I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
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What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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