just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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