i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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