Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
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Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
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I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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