The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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