I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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