Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
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ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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