I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
