I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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