So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
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This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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