i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?