I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.