Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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