I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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