he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
