i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
