Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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