She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
