I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
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Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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