I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
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I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
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I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet