Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
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I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
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I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?