Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.