What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here