I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself