theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.