it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
