If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
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I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
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Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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