I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
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You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
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Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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