Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
