Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
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Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
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You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag