Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.