just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
