dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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