how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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