U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .