I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
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I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
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He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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