does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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