My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
