I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
