this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
