he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
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Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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