I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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