I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
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Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
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Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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