The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
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Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
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You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.