Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
