i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
