so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
