Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
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He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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