dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
vagina is talking i cant
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
