In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
