my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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