Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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