When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
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I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
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make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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